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Children suffer most in a split up. Responsible parents can reduce stress for their children by acting like grownups. Pre-planning is best and the more the parents work collectively to iron out the details of the custodial arrangement before the separation, the better and more definite information you will have to tell the kids when the time comes. This mature approach creates the most stable environment for your kids.

Both parents should read A Child’s Bill of Rights and sign the agreement before sitting down with the kids.  This will help set important expectations and help ensure the parent’s act in the children’s best interests.

When & how to tell children about divorce

When you and your spouse are utterly certain that you will be separating to obtain a divorce, you should jointly decide when to tell the kids and what to tell them. It is best to do this shortly before one spouse moves out of the house. Both parents should be present when the children are told and all children should be told at the same time. This is a mature, responsible way to deal with the issue and it sends a positive message to the children about their future. Arguing about what to tell the children in front of the children is a recipe for disaster.

What to say to children about separation and divorce

Above all, reassuring the children that both parents have unconditional love for the kids is paramount. It is important to assure the children that it is not their fault and that you both love them and will continue to be with them. Above all, be honest and stay calm for the kids so that they can see that things will be ok. Neither parent should be blamed for the impending divorce. Kids often look for an explanation for what is happening and it is appropriate to give a general explanation but no specific details should be shared about why you are getting a divorce. However, specific details regarding where the kids will live, where the departing parent will live and how often the children will see and spend time with each parent will comfort them. Therefore, working all of this out in advance is best for the children and will make the “telling” process simpler. One therapist, has created an interactive web-site where you can create a personalized storybook for use in telling your children about the divorce.

What children want to know

• Where will I live?
• How often will I see dad? …mom?
• Will I change schools?
• Will I stay with my brothers and sisters?
• What happens to my dog, cat, etc.?
• What happens if I get ill?
• Did I cause this?

What not to do

Kids should not be expected to deal with adult problems. Here are just a few definite “no’s”:

• Never blame the child for the divorce or make him or her think it is their fault.
• Don’t put the children in the middle of an argument let alone an all our war.
• Don’t pull the kids out of class at school to tell them. Do it at home in a safe place.
• Don’t blame the other parent or say bad things about them.
• Don’t ask the child what he or she wants to do. You are the parent and the child expects you to be in charge.
• Don’t pressure the child to choose sides.
• Don’t make promises to the child for the purpose of gaining favor.
• Don’t use guilt!
• Comfort your child; don’t expect the child to comfort you!

Get professional help

Each family situation is different. Before you sit down with your kids, you should consult a divorce lawyer and work out the specifics on child custody and visitation. You should also consult with a licensed mental health professional for advice on how to address your children’s needs before you break the news. At Rice Law, we often work with Denise Scearce, MSW, LCSW and Bridge Builders Counseling and Psychotherapy in Wilmington, North Carolina.

A person should prepare and execute a Last Will to shield your loved ones. Even if property distribution is not a concern, preparing in advance will save your family and friends a great deal of frustration.

A Last Will & Testament is a essential component of an estate plan. It specifies how your assets will be disbursed after your passing, and which individuals or entities will receive them. Without a will, North Carolina law will specify how your property is disbursed. Without a Last Will & Testament, a husband or wife will usually get all of estate if there were no children and the person’s mother and father are deceased. If there are kids and/or a parent survives, the spouse’s share drops to a set amount and property divided among parent(s), children and lineal descendants.

Despite the importance of a Last Will, a quick search of the internet shows that a slight majority (55%-60%) of all adults in the United States do not have a Last Will & Testament. I believe this statistic is probably accurate because when we meet with clients, few clients tell me they have wills.

As part of any good estate plan, you need to make sure that non-probate assets have named beneficiaries. Use of payable on death (POD) accounts and in some cases, trusts, can reduce your tax exposure. Naming your estate as a beneficiary of a life insurance policy can have horrible tax ramifications. Another attorney recently told me she did not know how to break the news to a family that consulted with her to handle their father’s estate that because the life insurance was made payable to the estate instead of named beneficiaries; they would owe almost half in taxes to state and federal authorities.

In the context of a NC Legal Separation and NC Divorce, a spouse loses the right to take under intestate succession upon a divorce and loses other rights such as the widow’s share. Also, provisions in a will in favor of a spouse are revoked upon a divorce. You should speak with your family law attorney in detail to understand how these laws affect you.

Perhaps as important as a Will is having a Durable Power of Attorney – a legal instrument that allows another person to act for you and is effective even though you may be incapacitated. When an individual becomes incapacitated – due to mental or physical disability or other reason – a trusted love one can continue to make financial decisions for them without the cost and expense of a guardianship/incompetency hearing. A Health Care Power of Attorney allows a loved one to make health care decisions for you in the event you are unable and a Living Will (also known as a Declaration of a Desire for a Natural Death) allows you to make advance health care directives.

We strongly recommend that you review your entire estate plan and have an up to date Last Will & Testament, Durable Power of Attorney, Health Care Power of Attorney and Living Will. You should review and update these documents regularly and immediately upon a life change such as birth of a child, move to another state, marriage, separation or divorce.

Disclaimer: Consult with an attorney licensed to practice in you jurisdiction on the applicable laws of that jurisdiction. This article focuses on North Carolina law.